A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills

1.If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
2.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
3.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
4.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
5.Look the other way just before cues.
6.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds.
7.Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
8.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
9.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
10.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
11.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
12.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
13.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
14.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

Trumpet Player Jokes... How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could've done it.


What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.


What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.


Why can't gorillas play trumpet?
Gorillas are too sensitive.


In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said 'tacit'-- so I took it!"


How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? None, because the world revolves around them!


What's the difference between a trumpet and a chain saw? Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.


How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.


How do trumpet players traditionally greet eachother?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."


What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up"?
"But Johnny, you can't do both."


Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the trumpet players.


How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpet player's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.


What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain?
Gifted.


How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the part.


What's the difference between a free jazz trumpeter and a terrorist?
The terrorist has sympathizers.


Three famous trumpet players are up in an airplane. One of them says, "I'll throw out a 100 dollar bill and make someone very happy." The one next to him says, "I'll throw out two 50 dollar bills, and make two people very happy." The other one said, "I'll throw five 20's out the door, and make five people happy." The pilot, who was their conductor, said, "Why don't all three jump, and make the whole band very happy?"


What is the range of a trumpet player?
It depends: how strong are you, and how much do you want to hurt him?

How many jazz trumpeters does it take to change a light bulb?
Never mind- they can fake the changes.


How do you get a trumpet player to play softly?
Take away his instrument.


How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven- if you lay them out correctly.


How many second trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
None they can't reach that high.


Q: How many trumpets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one: all he has to do is hold his horn above his head the the world revolves around him.


What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.


Whats the range of a solo trumpet player?
about 40 yards if its a "super-light" model.